2020 is a vacuum

And yesterday I cried. Not the first time this year. I’m used to feeling everything very deeply but this year it’s getting more intense every time. I cried for lost opportunities. For my little privileged soul and the tiny piece of hope that keeps coming back, insisting on life having to be the way I knew it before this March hit. I cried for my plans and the spot in society I thought I had a right to have before they closed off my school and cut me off my people. I cried for the intents I keep making to get my life together and prepare myself mentally for whatever crazy stuff this day has prepared for me, which fail all the time. And I cried for my gut instinct that I used to be able to trust so well and now I am not sure of it at all anymore.

I used to define myself as a planner. I was a tracker of time and plans and schedules and dates and stress and hectic and business, which I used to complain about. I had tiny slots of stolen moments for myself where I did not keep myself occupied intentionally. And I thought I was happy like that. Truth is, there were many moments where I was. I felt proud to go to university, to share my thoughts in class. I was superficial enough to believe that all that mattered was if I could wear my new shirt on Monday or if it was too cold for that. This year, I re-evaluated. And I am struggling, all the damn time. Because 2020 feels like a vacuum and a lot of rules don’t apply anymore. You don’t even get the chance to plan a full week in advance, let alone a month or a year. All you can do is take life step by step. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. If you feel happy during a specific moment, soak it up. Be conscious, cause if this year showed us anything, it is that time is fleeting. Living in the past doesn’t change this exact moment. We should have learned by what happened in the past 5 months that we cannot change the future either.

Nobody knows how life will go on. The only thing I know is that the possibility you do have is to focus on yourself. Because of that, I will try not to be too hard on myself. I will figure out what I feel like and what I really can do to consciously improve my contentment. I will do my best to not pressure myself into doing things and to quit thinking negatively. I strongly believe it is important to give myself time because I realized that adapting to all of this is incredibly hard for me, but I make a promise to not stop trying either. I will try my best to rebalance myself in a world that feels shaky, with standing on my own two feet and the proximity of people to help keeping me steady. After all, it’s a beautiful life we are living, no matter the times. It might all feel different, but a lot of it is still what we make of it. Take care of yourselves, my loves. You are never alone.