28 and counting.

Hello, it's me, I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet. 

Here I am, with a bachelors' and masters' degree, working full time in Salzburg, questioning life and capitalist systems. Working and saving money just to escape for a couple weeks to another universe, like I just did, the second time this year. I went to the Dominican Republic, each time around 20 days, and I discovered what it feels like to blend in just for existing and loving life. 

When I was 10, 28 sounded so damn old to me. Now I feel like I have just stopped being a teenager. I see a somewhat aged face, a different womans' body, and I still feel like I move in circles. 

So much has happened in the last ten years. I have finished my formal education (for now), I have made and lost friends, I have fallen in and out of love so many times, I have moved across cities, countries and continents. I have had surgeries, medical visits, therapies and job changes. I have started to pursue writing more seriously, I have started dance classes on a regular basis, I have finally come home to desires that have been mine forever. 

I have stopped feeling ashamed for who I am (mostly). I still cry regularly. I still rely on medication to keep myself stable. I have learned a couple new languages. I have read so many poems, and novels, and articles, watched operas, plays, have listened to so many songs I learned to love. 

I have figured out how to be with my family without hurting each other (not always), how to be an auntie and a godmother to my little niece. I have learned what it means to love a baby, without it being mine, and that that is a kind of love that comes from heaven above directly.  

I have been paid for reading my books out loud in public, I have sold my books and people have read and praised them. I have been paid a month's salary for passing my knowledge on to people here in Salzburg. 

I have come to see the world as an inspiring place through art and writing, even and especially when it's giving me a hard time. 

I have realized that this is the only life I am given and that no moments can be repeated. I have therefore learned that life is too short to hold back and to feel ashamed. The only way of living that makes sense to me is fully and wholeheartedly. According to my Aries star sign, being straightforward and maybe regretting it afterwards is a fireproof way to test limits. 

Slowly I am also reminding myself of the privileged life I am living and of the fact that I am not allowed to give up that privilege, especially for being the first woman in my lineage to live and act so freely. I owe it to my ancestors, to my mom, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my aunt and so on to make the absolute best out of the choices I am allowed to make.  I owe it to my godchild Lia Marina to be a good role model, to teach her that she can be everything she wants, not even though, but because she is a girl. 

I owe it to myself to raise my standards. To be careful about how people talk to me, to not let them abuse my time or goodwill or love. I need to put limits around me constantly so people do not stomp all over me, because, unfortunately, it is wrong to assume others care. Some people care and these ones I will treat like diamonds, because they are. Others will not be allowed to know details about me or make use of my time. I will shine for myself and the people who support me, because there will always be some who do not. I will invest in my projects and ideas and believe in them like I believe in myself and in love. Even though I will say that I do not, I am lying. Because if I really did not, I would have given up a long time ago. But I promised myself I will never because I am stronger than any bullshit my negativity comes up with. And so far, I have always been. Stronger and alive, even when it felt like the contrary. 

 

Let's talk! What's on your plate right now? 

With love,
Hanna